My horrible thanksgiving thanks to my horrible wife?

I bet your thanksgiving wasnt as bad as mine. This is the one day of the year I always like cause my sasquatch of a wife cooks enough food so I can stuff myself after she falls asleep. Well what do ya know -- she decides to spend thanksgiving at the dang casino boats this year and don't cook a dang thing. Here i was yesterday sitting in the house all alone with nothing to eat but some ole leavn's in the bottom of the toaster. The neighbors were cooking up a storm and I could smell the food from my house. I tell ya I got to drooling on my shirt I was so hungry and I found myself walking up to their window and smelling and smelling and drooling till I just sorta snapped and before I knowed what I was doing I was sneeking in their back door and into the kitchen -- they was all out in the living room doing something -- maybe at least ten people and I just opened up that oven and the smell of that beautiful turkey just made me crazy.. I grabbed a drumstick and twisted it off like an animal and run out the back door. It was so hot it was blistering my hand and my mouth but I was all the way crazy by now and I just kept knawing and eating and running across the yard when i tripped and fell jamming that drumstick in my throat. I couldn't even breath and got all choked and managed to stand up and stagger around waving my arms around while the neighbors watched me from the living room window. I finally reached up and yanked that drumstick out and took a giant breath of air -- and then went right back to eating and finally ran on back to my house and locked the door. I was still knawing on the bone when the cops got there and I jest broke down and cried and cried and begged them not to take me to prison and I flopped down and rolled out the back steps and wet my pants and was sobbing and begging and I rekon the naighbors jest told the cops to ferget all about it so they yelled at me a little more and finally drove off. Wouldn't ya know that my door slammed shut when I fell out and locked so i had to sit under the car port till midnight when my old drunk hag wife come home and opened the door. My throat still hurts. I'm still hungry and I know my thanksgiving was worser than yours. Why does my wife treat me so bad?